"she said, 'there's really something about you that reminds me of money.'"

(this post was started so long ago, and has been added to about 3-4 times over the past 2 months. some of it makes sense. it's probably too many words and it touches on a pretty wide range of topics. part of it gets kind of serious, but i hope not overwhelmingly serious. just a few things that were on my mind. anyways, i feel like there's a little something for anyone. some have asked if this blog was done. not by a long shot. thank you to the loyal readers. especially to my brother, nick, because i feel like he's one of the only ones that gets most of my references.)

i was listening to peter gabriel's song, "solsbury hill," while checking whatever on the internet and came across a story which i read. peter gabriel was on loop, so i consciously listened to 3/4 of the song the first time and then unconsciously about three other times, and then i'm pretty sure i consciously listened to the last 1/4 during the fifth time. i do this often. it usually happens when i only have one or two songs by a particular musical artist. artists like crazy town or blessed union of souls. sometimes it causes a desire to obtain more songs by that artist. of the aforementioned, peter gabriel is probably the only musician worth thinking twice about. songs like "in your eyes" and the "city of angels" soundtrack gem, "i grieve," would be welcomed addenda.

(i was typing "cougar" within a text message and my predictive text brought up the word, "antics." having "cougar" already on my mind, i read "antics" and instantly put them together forming "cougar antics," followed by thoughts of cosmo and his crazy cougar antics. i then thought about what crazy cougar antics the cougars of cougartown will come up with this weekend. throwing nyquil-doused pieces of bread into the duck pond? throwing nyquil-doused snowballs at the faces of unsuspecting victims and then saying, "sleep," right after doing so? throwing a 6 pound bowling ball down the lane at fat cats, instead of the usual 14 pounder, to create maximum spin, and then screaming in sarcastic frustration as the ball enters the gutter, maybe even letting out a tiny swear for shock value? It's up to you.)

sounds of a song, especially from the 80s and early 90s, trigger childhood memories. the memories are not always, but are mostly, specific. musical group, animal collective, include a mixture of various sounds that affect me in such a way. they've been making music for a solid decade or so, but i have only been following them for the past few years. i have enjoyed their last 3 albums. their earlier stuff takes an earful of listens before i am able to make much sense of it, but their newer stuff is a little more reachable, and connections are made sooner than later. i don't know, something about the sounds remind me of barefoot, frog-catching fun. so when people ask what kind of music i like, i know longer want to do the whole "oh geez, i like it all..." but i now will say, "i like outdoor-frog-catching-barefoot-forest-campfire-sitting-tripped-out-cowboy-and-indian-peter pan-lost boys-paint-on-your-face-canoe paddling-adventure loving-rock music." the reason i bring them up is because i was listening to their song, "my girls," with good friend, brian, and he said something like, "this reminds me of 'neverending story,'" and i got excited for a minute, because that's what i thought about when i first listened to it. it's got that sound that is "neverending story." i feel like that film was my introduction to weird. "neverending story," "willow," or "labyrinth," or any film that begins with the tristar pictures logo were the beginning of the weird. it's those first 7 seconds with the brass sound and that white horse galloping that say to me, "you're about to watch something you don't understand and that will be so weird and semi-suggestive, but not until you're older and start paying more attention to detail." it was that period of time when they were still trying to figure out what a kid's film was supposed to look and sound like. there were no computer animated cartoons, there were no high school musicals, there were no air bud's. pg was so different back then. very dark and out of control. i recommend watching favorite movies from your childhood if you were born in the mid-80s and earlier and counting how many times you have your mind blown. we have on demand on our tv, so we're able to watch movies for free. you would be surprised at how many kurt russell movie options there are. stargate, escape from la, big trouble in little china, backdraft, etc. i was surprised that overboard wasn't included in the list. i've never seen the whole film, but this kurt russell-goldie hawn cinematic masterpiece is representative of every wasted saturday. it seems to be the only thing on tv during those crucial moments during those late autumn saturday afternoons, when you need to decided to turn off the tv and go outside or slowly let the darkness feel the room. motivation slowly dies with every line delivered by kurt russell. you have met your fate.

out of curiosity i chose to watch big trouble in little china (btilc). you mention it to anyone who's seen it and they'll probably say, "oh, man, patrick swayze was so good in that movie." this isn't true. the only involvement of patrick swayze in this film was his rejection of the script. he was too busy preparing for his role in dirty dancing. this opened the door for mr. russell to act in his most definitive role yet. i remember my brother taping btilc off tv when we were young and feeling weird, but also feeling like it was my favorite movie. watching it in 2009 is a different story. it's about the elimination of 13 characters away from making sense and just raised so many questions about what the creators were thinking. but that's just how pg was. nothing had to make sense. i almost feel like everyone of these films had an excess of costumes so they would continue creating more underdeveloped characters. "well, we have another one of these disgustingly graphic costumes, should we make a creature that acts as guardian of the other creature who is guardian of the emerald of the right earring of the superhuman who protects the main evil boss?" i feel like kurt russell had a lot of say in the storyline, and i'm pretty sure he just threw out the script they gave him and was just shooting from the hip. i can hear the director asking, "kurt, was that really the right line?" and mr. russell confidently saying, "yeah, you don't remember writing that?" i really feel like the end of the film was left open-ended. the script just finished with "tbdkr," which means "to be determined by kurt russell." and what an ending he determined. here's what he said, "alright, i'm gonna go ahead and throw a knife at the main bad guy, but i'm going to miss, he's going to pick up the knife, say something cleverly cliche, weakly throw the knife back at me, and then i'm going to catch it and throw it right back and get him in the forehead. what do you guys think? i know it's super anticlimactic, but i've got another idea to put in right after that will literally be mind blowing. what do you guys think?" at that point they had no choice, but to follow their captain to the cinematic gold that was this inexplicable mind blowing explosion of the least developed character in the movie. unbelievable. best part is the film ends with hints of a sequel, which has happened. i've never seen it, but i'm checking the $4.00 walmart bin everyday.


(i started this post over 2 months ago, but for some reason didn't post it, so whatever. i also wondered if anyone checks anymore, but stopped, because it seems like everyone just google-reads everything anyways.)

i thought about when someone says that people fear what they don't understand, or what they think is weird, or is just not what they're used to, or could easily be labeled as crazy. i then thought about how i'm more afraid when i hear something crazy and it starts to make sense to me.

i also thought about who has quoted that whole "people fear what they don't understand" line, and who said it first, and how it's probably been repeated by multiple people to the point that it could be near impossible finding the originator. then i thought about when we try to quote each other, whether it be words from a book, a song, a movie, a professor, a leader of any sort, or a friend, and how we are rarely, if ever, able to identically recite them. a lot of times they are misquoted, or just not delivered with the same power or conviction. sometimes they are done with more and give more meaning to the words. we put our own spin on things, which isn't always a bad thing.i think of cover songs and how they can go either way, but i think these guys got it right. you're entitled to your own opinion.

as i thought about quoting and giving credit to the proper originator of the lines we love, i came up with an idea. since we're constantly misquoting, why don't we just begin quotes with, "we once said..."? after all, each of us is part of the greater whole. each "you(r)," "i," "my," will be replaced with "us," "our," and "we." even this idea of "we" is one i've heard before from multiple sources, which i won't, and maybe even can't, directly qoute. but these are things i have heard and have affected me. i feel like whether we admit it or not, we are affected in some way by everyone around us, even if we've never talked to each other. body language is enough to make someone feel welcomed or uninvited, confident or self-conscious, loved or hated. my body is so talkative on the dance floor. always suggesting things. i think if we substituted "we" for the more singular pronouns, there would be less of a habit of speaking unkindly of one another and a little bit of the blame would be shared. try: i can't believe we said that. what were we wearing? we don't understand. our head hurts. we are the best. we are annoying. it's our fault. who do we think we are? we shouldn't do that. we can't. we won't. we wish. we aren't. we will. we did. i can't believe we like us. we promise. there are many holes in this one, because i think we all need and deserve recognition for our victories, and we all need to be accountable, but it's not bad to tweak our focus a bit and to stop pointing fingers.

i've also been thinking about how we all want change. i think that much of the time we mostly want everyone else to change. it's not us that is making us unhappy, it's what this person is doing or saying or vice versa that is not letting our lives be as happy, fun, or meaningful as we would like. i think we have times in our lives where we know it's us who needs to change, but we can't, or refuse, to admit it. i think we all want to be better. but that improvement or progression also depends on everyone around us. how we serve, love, and care for one another. it's not just doing something. maybe it's not doing something sometimes. maybe it's not saying that. maybe it's not being that way at that time when you know that they won't like that. i just think we want people to change, but even if they do, we sometimes don't let them. i think we start viewing people, especially those closest to us, a certain way that when they try to change or be different, we automatically think they're acting weird or pretending to be something they're not. we've got these labels that we love to use, and once we use them they're near impossible to shake. i think sometimes we want to be heard, but don't want to listen. we want people to care but we don't. we want to have fun but only can if it's more than they're having. we want others to succeed, but only if their accomplishments don't exceed our own. we can dish it out, but can't take it.

i then thought about how we mean something different to different people and that's not such a bad thing. we won't be everything to everyone, because we can't be. we can be a little bit or a lot to someone. and that's exactly what they need.

these are things that i think about sometimes when i'm lying in bed at around 2:00 in the morning trying to figure out if i really just watched an hour and a half of family matters. my 2:00 mind is so sharp. i have solved so many of this world's problems at 2:00. i will think about how i'm going to make my life better and maybe someone's around me. i am full of so much resolve. when i wake up i am going to say and do specific things to certain people and they are going to react in specific ways that go according to my specific plans. i would like to give an example now. try this on for size: problem - world hunger. solution - pb&j. everyone will eat pb&j. all over the world. that's all we will eat. starting now. our children will no longer be eating anything but bread, peanut butter, and jam. we will finish whatever food we have left, but when it's gone, it's gone. for those allergic to peanut butter there will be substitutes. my 2:00 mind assumes no one has strawberry jam allergies. that would be too unfortunate. if such allergies are possible, then they will be eating only pb sandwiches, and those with peanut allergies have the option to eat just j sandwiches. think about this plan. no holes in it, right? right. i know what you're thinking: "don't we need more than just pb&j?" the answer's no. sure, life expectancy would drastically drop, but look at us, we've leveled the hunger playing field. everyone gets to play on the field with equal strength. with life expectancy dropping, we will take more advantage of the now, because we don't have time to think about the past and the future's coming way too fast to even know where to begin to think about what to do. relationships will be more meaningful, procrastination would be weakened, and everyone will happily eat away hunger to a pb&j fixed to their liking. i choose the sweaty-summer trip to dc with cousins-smushed by an apple-looks like it's bruised, but it's just the jam bleeding through the smashed bread-room temperature or warmer pb&j. that's what i'm into.

i'm in the lrc on byu's campus and there is a large bug flying around. i've been following it around, because i get all shifty and bothered when a bug lands on me. mostly just indoors. the funny thing is i was following it with my eyes and i saw it swoop down towards two kids to the right of me. i felt like it would spend some time over there and then i saw it crawling on his head. not even kidding, folks. he was talking to his friend and obviously felt it and just went with his whole hand and put it right over top. it's been the most thrilling event of the day. i don't think the bug is dead, but it's injured. what was the little guy doing inside anyways? inside is stress. the weather's been "messing with my focus" beautiful this week. it's days like these when i can't decide whether there's too much kool-aid in my bloodstream, or too much blood in my kool-aidstream.



here are some film photographs i took a long time ago with a canon ae-1 camera.











tons has happened since i last posted anything. some pretty wild things, but the best is nick and shannon got married. so long ago. they're great together. they're some cool dudes.

it's good to be back.